It’s been an exciting past two days. And not in a good way for the Fat One and maybe me. I think I’m in some kind of trouble. But I get ahead of myself.
Two days ago, seemed like any normal day. We had breakfast and Momma and I played and sunned in the Big Room while the Fat One sat at his desk and worked. In the early afternoon, he stood up, stretched and left the Big Room. I heard him digging around in the back room and in a bit, much to my horror, returned wheeling the Evil Vacoom!
I leapt to my feet, ready to flee. Momma stayed lying in our sunny spot with her legs stretched out as far as they would go behind her and in front of her, sunning her belly.
The Fat One took Vacoom’s long, thin black tail and plugged it into the wall. Vacoom came alive with its endless screams of doom. Keeping as far away from it as I could, I fled the Big Room and sought the solace of my panic space behind the washer.
I heard the Fat One battling Vacoom back and forth in the Big Room. Then I worried about Momma. Had she fallen prey to the Evil Vacoom?! Summoning up all my courage, I left my safe haven, and padded quietly through the living room. I peered around the corner of the French doors leading into the Big Room. Where was Momma?!
Momma was laying exactly as I had left her, sunning with her legs stretched out above and behind her. Her eyes were closed, and her mouth was half open in a smile. Vacoom had no effect on her!
The Fat One and Vacoom battled back and forth in rows until they got to Momma. Momma kept laying there. “Come on, Nancy!” the Fat One groused, “I’m trying to clean!”.
But Momma didn’t move a muscle. With a heavy sigh, the Fat One went over to her, bent down, gently grabbed her front legs and pulled her towards him. Again, Momma didn’t move a muscle and just lay there. The Fat One and Vacoom battled in the space where Momma had been lying.
When they were done with that spot, the Fat One gently grabbed Momma’s back legs and pulled her back into her spot. He carefully straightened her tail out behind her. Momma brought her front legs up and softly kneaded the air a little bit, and then put them back down above her head. The Fat One rolled his eyes and shook his head. Then he went back to battling Vacoom.
I stayed in my spot by the French doors and watched them when suddenly Vacoom made a high-pitched whine. It went on for a bit and then went “ZAAAAP!” A puff of white smoke came out from underneath Vacoom and it was silent. The Fat One stared at Vacoom and started swearing. Vacoom had died! The Fat One was victorious!
But the Fat One didn’t seem triumphant. He kept swearing as he tried to revive Vacoom to battle it some more. I looked at the Fat One with admiration. Now THAT’S warrior spirit!
No matter how hard he tried, the Fat One couldn’t make Vacoom come back to life. In disgust, he stood up and went back to his desk, leaving Vacoom’s carcass on the floor. I carefully crept up to the carcass and sniffed it several times. It was indeed dead. I lifted my front left paw and smacked the late Vacoom as hard as I could three times. Whack! Whack! Whack!
My dignity restored, I trotted happily over to Momma. “Vacoom is dead, Momma!” I crowed, “The Fat One finally slayed it. And I whacked it to make sure!”.
Still sunning, Momma sleepily replied, “I heard, honey. Vacoom never bothered me, but it was loud.”.
Sitting at his desk, the Fat One muttered, “Well, I got over ten years of use out of it. I guess I can’t complain too much.”.
He stared at his display as he moved the mouse around. After a bit, he said to himself, “Time to get some 21st century technology. This one seems popular.”.
He clicked around some more, then leaned back in his chair with a satisfied look on his face. “It’ll be here in two days!” he announced and then went back to work.
The rest of the day passed normally, and then we went to bed.
The next day started normally, too. We had our breakfast and went out on the porch while the Fat One smoked a stinker cigar. Momma spent time with the General while I eyed the red birds as they came to the big feeder in the yard. One day, I will catch one and finally know for myself if they are spicy or not!
We were back in the Big Room just lazing about when the Fat One got up out of his chair, walked through the kitchen and went out the back door. He was taking his daily walk to the box that sits on the big post at the end of our driveway. When he comes back, he almost always has those slips of paper that hoomans send to each other.
For some reason, he always throws the most colorful ones away and keeps the boring, white ones. Why throw the best ones away?
But today, he came storming in the back door and stomped into the Big Room holding the piece of paper that was in one of slips. “This is TOTAL BS!” he yelled, “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”.
He read out loud, “Dear Sir. There have been several complaints from your area about your black and white cat, Tiddles, menacing other pets and people in an aggressive manner. This is a WARNING. Your cat is no longer allowed to roam the neighborhood UNLESS it is secured on a leash and harness. Failure to obey this ruling could lead to the loss of your pet.”.
“It’s from Animal Control!” the Fat One spat out, “Tiddles, you stand accused of crimes you didn’t commit! And now you have a record!”.
I stared blankly at the Fat One. I’m never out without my harness and leash. But what did it mean, “menacing other pets and people in an aggressive manner”? I hadn’t been anywhere. Some hoomans sent a piece of paper to yell at me for things I didn’t do!
“We’ll get to the bottom of this!” the Fat One declared. He picked up his phone and touched the screen several times while squinting at the offending piece of paper. Soon, he was talking to some hooman. The conversation started out calmly, but in a very short time, the Fat One was yelling, “You’ve got the wrong cat! He’s an indoors cat. He ONLY goes out on a harness and leash. I don’t care if he was identified by name by the claimants. They got the wrong cat!”.
The Fat One slammed his phone down and let out a primal scream towards the ceiling. Then he plopped into his chair and muttered under his breath. I felt guilty even though I hadn’t done anything. I walked over to the Fat One, stood on my hind legs, and gently pawed at his leg. He looked down at me, picked me up, and sat me in his lap. His strokes on my back soothed me. “Don’t worry, Tiddles.” he softly cooed, “We’ll get this sorted out.”.
Comforted, I took a nap in his lap.
Which brings us to today.
The Fat One was sitting in his chair working. Momma was napping in our day bed. I was in the tube at the top of my cat tree looking out the diamond cutout as I surveilled the Big Room.
I saw the big brown box on wheels that brings packages pull into the driveway through the window by the Fat One’s desk. It’s female hooman servant carried a package out of it and set it on our back steps. Then the big brown box on wheels went back down the driveway.
The Fat One exclaimed, “Goody! Goody! Goody!”, got up from his chair and gleefully went to retrieve the package. I waited for him to bring the package back to the Big Room so I could see what was in it.
But he didn’t come back! Instead, I heard him put the package down in the living room and begin opening it. What was this?
My curiosity piqued, I trotted to the living room. The Fat One was sitting on the floor by the couch, opening the package. Naturally, I went over to help him. As he and I opened the box, Momma trotted in.
“Why is the Fat One opening the package in here?” she asked as she sniffed the box.
“I don’t know, Momma!” I happily replied as I attacked the strip of paper that held the box closed.
Inside the box was another box. The Fat One started opening this box. I jumped into the other now discarded box. Mamma joined me. The Fat One looked at us and laughed. “You silly things!” he chuckled.
This new box was only so-so as far as boxes go. It was too short to offer good concealment. I hopped out and went over to the Fat One as he struggled with the box that was in the box.
Finally, he got it open. He took out a tall, curved rectangle that had a long tail for plugging into a wall. He set it aside. Then he pulled out a very large, black, puck-shaped object. He went “Ooo!” as he removed the clear plastic that covered it and placed it in the bigger box where Momma was sitting. Momma immediately sat on it.
Placing the puck right next to the curved rectangle, he plugged the rectangle’s tail into the wall behind one of the couch’s two end tables. The puck made a beep noise. Taking his phone, the Fat One took a picture of a bunch of weird, little black blocks in a square on a piece of paper that came with this new beast. He fiddled with his phone.
In a bit, the new beast made some more beeps and then said, “Success!”. This new beast can talk! The Fat One stood up looking very pleased with himself and cleaned up the mess after shooing Momma out of the box. He went back and sat down at his desk. Momma lost interest in the new beast and went back into the Big Room.
I sniffed the new beast as it sat next to its curved rectangle. Next, I sat on top of this black, puck-shaped beast. It’s important to assert dominance over new beasts as soon as possible. Otherwise, they’ll try to take over your house!
As I sat there, the beast woke, made a “beep” noise and started moving with me on top! It carried me on its back as it journeyed into the kitchen. It ran into a chair and stopped. Then it turned right and continued on its way. This beast was smart!
I looked around as we rolled through the French doors between the living room and the Big Room. We crossed the landing and approached the landing’s edge. “This beast is going to fall over the edge!” I thought and prepared to leap off. But the beast sensed the edge and turned to the right and continued on. How does it know where it is? It doesn’t seem to have any eyes!
The beast approached the side edge of the landing. This time, it turned completely around and headed back the way it came. The Fat One turned around in his chair to take a look. When he saw me sitting on the beast riding it, his eyes bugged out.
I grinned at him and said, “Hey, Fat One!”. He didn’t say a word, but scrabbled for his phone and began videoing us. The beast made a left turn, and we headed back into the living room. Shortly, it turned right and headed through the kitchen towards the bedroom. As it travelled, I noticed it made a quiet sucking noise. I think it eats the dirt off the floor! This beast is brilliant and useful.
As we went down the hallway towards the bedroom, I heard a noise behind me. I looked back at the Fat One leaning around the side of the refrigerator, videoing us. Riding on the beast was great fun!
At the end of the hallway, the beast gently ran into the wall. It turned right, went forward a bit, and then turned left. We started travelling back through the kitchen. The Fat One had gone back to his desk. As we passed the refrigerator, Momma trotted in on her way to the Beast with the Open Maw in the back room.
“Look, Momma!” I called to her, “This beast moves! I think it grazes off the dirt on the floor!”.
Momma said nothing. She scowled and hissed at the beast as we got closer. Then she double-timed it into the back room.
As we passed the French doors, I saw the Fat One sitting in his chair, still recording us. The beast bumped into the couch. It turned to the right and turned to the right again. Then I got a great idea!
As the beast headed back into the kitchen, I stood on my back haunches. I put my front right leg with the paw just above my eyes like I was shielding them from the sun. I put my left front leg straight out, leaned forward slightly, and squinted my eyes like I was pointing to something in the distance. I held that pose. Out of the corner of my right eye, I saw the Fat One’s eyes bug out again and his mouth drop open.
After he was out of sight, I dropped back into a sitting position and snickered.
I rode the beast for the longest time as it visited every room in House except the Big Room. Eventually, the beast returned to its tall, curved rectangular piece. It pushed against it and stopped moving.
I guess it had eaten its fill.
I hopped off of it and trotted with excitement into the Big Room. The Fat One looked at me and asked, “Well, Pathfinder, do you like our new toy?”.
“It’s GLORIOUS, Fat One!” I meowed exuberantly. I padded over to where Momma was lying in our day bed.
“Momma! Momma!” I excitedly gushed, “The new beast is AMAZING!”.
Momma scowled and spat out, “Decent beasts don’t sneak around on their own. They’re up to no good! You can’t trust them!”.
“But Mom-“ I began.
Cutting me off, Momma hissed, “YOU CAN’T TRUST THEM!”.
Quietly, I went and sat in my sunny spot.
Momma had spoken!
PS Photograph for illustrative purposes only.