#158 – Devilish

Dear Diary,

The Beast That Makes Brown Pee huffed and puffed happily away in the background, filling its glass jug as the Fat One fed us our breakfast wet food. Today, I was having Chicken Livers and Gravy. Yum! I would like to personally thank whoever invented gravy!

As I snarfed down my meal with my usual gusto, Momma was daintily eating her special dibeetus food. It smelled like beef today. I inhaled my food in no time and eagerly looked for more, but there was none. The Fat One was pouring the brown pee into his big mug and adding that wonderful Half and Half and a spoon of that sweet white powder.

Putting on my most unctuous smile, I sat by him and meowed for more. He ignored me. Hoomans can be that way. Often, you have to repeat yourself to get your message across. I guess their slow brains need repeated messages to understand.

I meowed again, followed by rubbing against his legs. Physical stimulation is often required to reinforce the message. “You do this every day, Tiddles.” he replied, “There is no more breakfast. I’ll give you some treats later.”.

“Later” means different things to hoomans than it does to cats. For hoomans, “later” means a long time or sometimes not at all. Discouraged, I followed Momma into the Big Room as tail up, she trotted happily along.

But as I followed Momma, I stopped in shock and exclaimed, “Momma! Your kitten-maker is leaking!” It was, too. It had a whitish-yellow discharge coming out of it!

Momma sat down like a hooman and looked down at herself. “Oh, my goodness!” she said in surprise and bent down to lick herself clean. “Ow! My tummy hurts when I do that!” she meowed in pain but kept cleaning. “I wonder what’s causing that?” she pondered as she stood up and headed towards our sunny spot. “I guess my age is catching up with me!” she sadly said as she lay in the warmth of our sunny spot.

I laid down next to her and we both soon forgot about it as we luxuriated in the sun.

We spent the morning and a good part of the afternoon like that. The Fat One sat at his desk working. He seemed to be working particularly hard on something. He drank lots more brown pee than he usually does, as he pounded away furiously on his keyboard.

After a while, I felt a wave of energy wash over me. I could feel a Wilding coming on. I leapt up and stood with my tail coiled and swishing back and forth. My mouth was open, and I had a devilish look on my face. I danced sideway and looked for trouble.

Momma looked at me and said, “You have a Wilding coming on. Don’t you, dear?”.

“I do, Momma!” I exclaimed, “And it’s a strong one, too!”. I stared at my big mousie as I danced around. It looked at me wrong and I pounced on it. I bit it hard and threw it in the air to pounce it again as I felt the Wildness take me over. I was a mighty jungle beast and would show it no mercy! I bit it hard again, pulled it close to me, and raked it with my razor-sharp rear claws. Having dispatched it, I raced up my cat tree, sat on the tube at top, threw my head back and roared, “I AM TIDDLES THE MIGHTY! TREMBLE AFORE MY GREATNESS!”.

I slid down inside the tube. The Invisible Cat Tree Gnomes Only Cats Can See heard me and picked that moment for an assault. Waves of them attacked as I slashed at their ranks with my right front leg sticking out the diamond cutout, scything down entire rows at a time. They fell to the floor below, picked themselves up, and climbed the tree to attack again.

It was touch and go, but finally I defeated them. They picked themselves up, brushed off, and marched to their home behind the cat tree tube, defeated. Some shook their fists at me as they went. Others gave a jaunty wave.

Order restored, I jumped from the end of the tube and raced towards the Fat One’s desk. With another mighty leap, I rocketed onto it. I rocketed so hard I slid on its smooth surface as my paws scrabbled for purchase. I slid into the Fat One’s keyboard and sent it crashing against the Fat One’s mug of brown pee. He grabbed it to keep it from turning over and some brown pee sloshed onto his left hand. “Hey!” he cried out in annoyance, “Watch yourself, Tiddles!”.

With a mighty leap, I ricocheted off his chest, landed on the floor and thundered out of the Big Room post haste to the sound of the Fat One’s protestations. I am an unstoppable force!

In the kitchen, I slowed to a trot and looked around for more trouble to get into. I jumped up onto the counter and inspected it. I saw the two little glass containers the Fat One uses to sprinkle powders on his food. One is white and salty. The other is grey and makes me sneeze. “Perfect!” I chuckled devilishly to myself, “Just what I was looking for!”.

I pushed the white container to the edge of the counter. It teetered back and forth before it fell to the floor. When it hit, its top came off and some white powder spilled out. That was AWESOME! I repeated the process with the grey one. I pushed it to the edge, and it teetered back and forth several times before falling off. I watched intently as it spun end over end before joining the white one on the floor.

I jumped down to inspect my work. As I pawed the grey container, the Fat One came in with a stern face. “What are you doing?” he demanded, “Have you taken leave of your senses?!”. I dashed off towards the bedroom, mouth open in joy and a wild look on my face. I ran under the bed, expecting the Fat One to chase me. But he didn’t. I went to the bedroom doorway and peered around the edge.

The Fat One was kneeling in the kitchen, sweeping up the white salty powder that had spilled and muttering under his breath. When he was done, he poured another mug of brown pee before sitting at the kitchen table. He began to roll one of his stanky cigars. Yay! We’re going to go outside, I cheered to myself.

I ran to the door of the Big Room and called to Momma, “C’mon, Momma! We’re going to go outside!”. Momma got up and walked towards me. “I feel so tired lately.” she said as she passed me and went to our water dish for a drink.

Momma lapped up the water. She kept lapping and lapping and lapping. She drank so long that even the Fat One noticed. “Boy, you’re a thirsty thing today, Nancy!” he exclaimed jovially as he finished rolling his cigar. He stood and walked over to the front door where I eagerly awaited, meowing to be let out with Momma trailing behind him.

He opened the door and Momma and I burst out on the porch. The General was laying in the sun at the edge of the porch. He stood up, stretched and trotted over to the Fat One for his usual pets and strokes. The Fat One sat in his green chair by the white table and set his cigar on fire.

When the General had enough, he trotted over to the porch gate and plopped down in his usual spot. Momma laid next to him, and they groomed each other while purring. I sat at the edge of the porch looking out onto the yard, looking for something to get into. But sadly, there was nothing.

Seeing the General’s crooked tail, I pounced on it. In annoyance, he swished it back and forth. This only made me attack it more! Finally, the General shot me a severe, warning glare. I reluctantly stopped. “He’s in the middle of a Wilding.” Momma explained to the General.

“I can see that.” the General gruffly replied in disapproval. Then he went back to licking the top of Momma’s head. Her eyes closed in delight as she purred loudly in pleasure.

I noticed a stick the wind had blown off the maple tree in front of the porch onto the porch. I hurried over and picked it up in my mouth. Tossing it into the air, I attacked it with tooth and claw. I picked it up in my mouth for another toss when I heard the Fat One laughing.

“Tiddles, you are a silly cat.” he chuckled, “Do you think you are a dog? Should I call you Fido, now?”.

I scowled at him. No self-respecting cat likes to be called a dog! But I kept playing. After a bit, we went in.

It was dinner time! The Fat One fed us our crunchies as he fixed himself yet another cup of brown pee. Afterwards, Momma got another really long drink before walking into the Big Room and laying in our day bed on the Magical Pad That Makes Warm.

I played wildly with my toys. The Fat One would look at me once in a while, shake his head, and go back to work.

The evening passed like this until finally the Fat One stood and said, “Ok. Enough for today. Time to go to bed!” He headed out of the Big Room towards the bedroom with Momma and I trailing him.

But he stopped in the bedroom and said, “Oh! I drank too much coffee today. I feel all jittery. A good hot shower will calm me down.”.

Hearing this, a wonderfully devilish thought entered my mind. I’ll hide in the bathtub and when the Fat One pulls back the shower curtain, I’ll jump out and scare him. It will be GLORIOUS!

Snickering to myself, I trotted into the room with the porcelain chair, and jumped into the tub while the Fat One got undressed. I snickered more as I thought about what I was going to do. I was going to get the Fat One good.

From behind the shower curtain, I heard the Fat One come in. I readied myself to attack with mouth open and evil intent.

Suddenly, I saw the Fat One’s arm and hand come around the corner of the shower curtain and turn a knob. Water pelted down on me! In shock, I tried to jump out of the tub, but my paws were wet, and I couldn’t get out. Scrabbling to get purchase, I slid down into the center of the tub as water drenched me to the skin. No matter how hard I tried to get out, I kept sliding back down into the center of the tub. By now, I was drenched.

The Fat One pulled the curtain back while yelling, “What the hell?”. He saw me and started laughing. Finally, I was able to get a grip and jumped out of the tub. I slid on my face on the slippery floor before I regained my grip and dashed out of the room. The Fat One laughed uncontrollably. Then I heard him get into the tub.

I jumped up onto the bed and stood there, dripping water and scowling. Momma looked at me in surprise. “What happened, honey?” she asked.

“Nothing.” I replied and sat there, wet and miserable.

After a bit, the Fat One came in with a towel wrapped around him. He saw me and started laughing. “Ha! Ha! Ha!” he laughed, so hard he bent over with his hands on his knees. “Hoist by your own petard!” he said between peals of laughter, “That will teach you!”.

I scowled even deeper. How could such a wonderful prank have gone so horribly wrong?

“Here.” the Fat One chuckled as he took his towel off and rubbed me vigorously with it, “Let’s dry you off.” I was afforded a close-up view of his nasty, naked, pink nethers as they jiggled while he did so to add insult to injury. I bit at the towel in frustration.

After he was done, the Fat One slipped on a pair of the tight, white shorts he wears under his clothes and climbed into bed. He turned off the light and lay there, still chuckling. Momma laid in her spot next to him with her head and left leg on chest. Grumpily, I tried to take my spot next to Momma, but she protested, saying, “Oh, honey! You’re all damp. Please sit and dry off before you settle in.”.

I backed away and lay on my belly, scowling into the dark until I was dry.

More later,

Tiddles

PS Photograph for illustrative purposes only.

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Great story, but worried about Mama Nancy .. I pray The Fat One will notice Mama Nancy is having problems and take her to the vet ..PLEASE don’t let anything be seriously wrong with her !!! Please let us know soon !! I guess Tiddles The-Mighty had a rip- roaring day ..

  2. What a wonderful exciting and hilarious story Tiddles the Mighty though I worry about your moma s health dear, I hope it isn’t something serious. Thanks for this wonderful story dear, I’m looking forward [email protected] your @next one! Love you sweetie ❤️💕💕💕

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